When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?