OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.