Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.