Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Go hard or stay average