Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Try and stop me.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You better watch out
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?