I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You Might Also Like
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?