Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!