(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”