I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Saturday
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
no
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.