“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.