It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*