When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.