I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months