the only organized thing in my life is crime
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
called in thicc to work this morning
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.