Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind