I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”