Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure