COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.