Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Netflix and scream at our children?!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.