I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle