°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’