*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.