First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
You Might Also Like
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Not today
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast