Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.