*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.