Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?