i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
oh u like geography? name every lake
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
grotesque if literal: baby food
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma