My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting