[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.