Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
This is me
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.