police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I am, perchance
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
それは草
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.