BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.