Which wines pair best with gloating?
You Might Also Like
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Proofread twice, hang posters once
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.