Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Well well well…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*