Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please