I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
But is it really??
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”