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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?