interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.