Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat