My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
What flavor cupcake are these
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Can’t. Being lazy.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to