When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!