Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I didn’t realize that was an option
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.