we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?