My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?