“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Life cycle of cat
Why is this me 😫
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.