Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.