“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
pelicons
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.