I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack