I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.