I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You Might Also Like
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
There are no pants in heaven.